Have you ever heard that Garth Brooks song, "Unanswered Prayers"?
The chorus goes like this:
"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.
Remember when you're talking to the man upstairs,
Just because he may not answer
Doesn't mean he don't care.
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
You know, I always liked that song.
Our preacher talked to us about the power of prayer today. It really got me to thinking and remembering.
I want to share something that is hard for me to admit now.
Lila was born at 11:19 am on December 17, 2011. Late that night when everyone was gone and Chase and Lila were peacefully sleeping, I had a few hours with God.
They were not my best hours. I was desperate, angry, confused and I felt so discouraged.
I prayed to God. I bargained and I begged.
You see, that morning, the pediatrician said she thought Lila had a 60% chance of having DS but she wouldn't know for sure until we received the blood work in two weeks.
To me, all I heard was that she had a 40% chance of being typical (or as I would have said then, normal).
We didn't find out about Lila's heart defect until the next day, that made the certainty of a DS diagnosis increase.
But that first night, when I heard 60% chance, I thought I could reason with God.
Even though I knew the moment I saw her that she had DS. I thought that I could convince God to take it away.
I have never felt more desperate than in the late hours of that night. I begged God. I tried to offer him things. "Please God, if you make it go away, I'll be more devoted, I'll do anything, please. Can't you make there be something wrong with me? Just not her, God, not my baby." I remember saying, "please, not my baby" about a hundred times.
It was a sad and pitiful moment in my life. I felt let down, as if I had done something wrong. "Why us? Why my baby? It's not fair. What did I do to deserve this? Oh, my poor baby. The world is so cruel. Oh, my poor Layla, it will be hard to have a sibling with special needs. Please God, not my baby, not us. We can't do this."
And today, I thought back on that moment. I wish I could go back and give myself some reassurance.
Garth said it right.
Thank you God for unanswered prayers.
All along He knew what Down syndrome would do for us. He knew that we could do this. My unanswered prayer turned out to be a unbelievable blessing.
He saw my struggle. He heard my cries. He answered me in a different way than I asked. It's like he took my pleading and tripled the blessings.
That desperate, unanswered late night prayer...it brought me here. I am forever changed. Instead of changing her that night when I begged him to, God changed me (it was a slow change, it didn't happen overnight).
And for that, I am thankful. I just wish I had realized that Lila's diagnosis certainly wasn't the worse thing that could've happened. I wish I could go back and tell myself, it will be more than alright.
Thank you God for teaching me in such a profound way. Thank you for Lila; just as she is, beautifully and wonderfully made. Thank you for adding some color to my life and giving me the greatest little teacher I could've ever received. Thank you God for Down syndrome and what it has taught me. Thank you for my daughters and my family. Oh yeah, and thanks for that little unanswered prayer.
......Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.
